My madness

I swear..once you get sick, you're never allowed to be normal ever again. At least this shouldn't be anything major and I can handle taking a pill everyday if that is all it will take.

Got my CT scan results yesterday and they looked fine, but when they did my bloodwork the technician noticed that my Thyroid was low. He called me today and told me that he is going to run more bloodwork but I might have to come in and get more done but I won't know until Monday. He said that chemotheraphy and cancer treatments sometimes affect the Thyroid so that is doesn't produce the hormone like it should but sometimes it takes a few years for that side effect to actually make itself known. Well apparently its starting to make itself known. I don't know for sure yet, like I said I'll know more on Monday.

Getting ready for Animazement. I have a whole pile of stuff for the dealer's room table and have been so focused on that that I have almost completely ignored cosplay stuff. I have been working on remaking Fai's staff and I might just finish it in time. I hope so since I intended to compete with it.

AZ Cosplay list looks like this:

Friday AM: Sakura from Cardcaptor Sakura (prince version with Kiki as Syaoran)
Friday PM: Fai from Tsubasa (manga coat for 4:45 judging time)
Friday Late: Frau from 07-Ghost

Saturday AM: Frau from 07-Ghost maybe
Saturday PM: Syaoran from Tsubasa (for masquerade)
Saturday Late: ??

Sunday: Misaki from Junjou Romantica (for JR Panel)

I really do feel like I should have another costume in there but I just don't know how the dealer's room thing is going to go so I don't want to be running around trying to change costumes.

But yeah, thats what it looks like. Hope to see everyone there!

Got my results from my CT scan and all is well. But my stupid port hasn't been giving any blood so on Monday and today they had to take the blood out of my arm. UGGG. At least I refrained from kicking the CT machine when they stuck me.

I'm having the port removed on the 22nd. The monday after Momocon..so I guess I won't be staying too late on Sunday since I have to be at the hospitol at 9AM. I told my doctor I wanted it out before I lost Medicaid..which I am afraid is probably going to happen. And he agreed, might not have been happy about it because it has only been a year and technically its a 2 year relapse chance..but I can't take the chance of having to pay for the surgery out of pocket. So it's coming out. I'm kind of relieved about it..and kind of not. Because it means all bloodwork is going to come out of my arm from now on..and I so don't like that.

But I will no longer have an alien portal in my chest and I suppose that is a good thing. And as long as the cancer doesn't come back I don't need it anyway..so..here is hoping.

And that was my day. I also realized today just how much shit I have to get done by Momocon. Wheee...

Seriously..everytime I think things are worked out as far as my medical expenses, something else pops up.

I have a PET scan Monday. No big deal, I get them every 3 months. Well today I got a letter from Medicaid in the mail. And it essentially said this:

Because you no longer have cancer, we aren't going to pay for your PET scans from this point on.

....WHAT!?!?! But but but..the doctor says I need to get those every 3 months to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. What good is Medicaid if you don't pay for my medical bills??

Um..$5000 PET scan...with no assistance..um, no thank you.

So I have 30 days to appeal the decision or am stuck paying my own medical bills. I'm going to take the letter to my cancer doctor and see what they say about it and if they have any suggestions. I'm also going to try and call my medicaid person.

It's bad enough I've been considering removing the port by May because I know Medicaid is going to stop covering me then..but to think I may have to pay this next PET scan out of pocket REALLY hurts. And if they dont' cover PET..does that mean they won't cover my port flushes and the surgery to remove the port and all that too? IF so..I'm so screwed.

GAH! WHY ME!?!

So today was my 3 month scan. Won't know the results until Thursday though since that is when my doctor's appointment is. Doubt it will show any signs of the cancer since I have been feeling fine.

But yeah..totally passed out again when they injected me with the radioactive sugar. I think it is partially the fault of being stuck in the hand by a needle -_-

I got a new bag though. Its ninja turtles XD Have to replace my Tony Stewart one since he isn't in the Home Depot car anymore. Only took half the race season to do it.

Not much else exciting. Picked up some more stuff for my Transformers army cosplay XD I'm currently trying to make a ammo vest thing. but I has a gun XD

Current DragonCon list is: (subject to changes and additions)

Chuck Bartowski - Chuck
Cryptkeepr - Tales from the Crypt
Rorschach - Watchmen
Allen Walker - D.Grayman (maybe)

First: Happy Birthday Elke!
Thanks again for walking the relay with me ^^

Second: PET Scan today
Oh boy..talk about eventful. So I've been on this low carb diet since Saturday in prep for it. Apparently normal blood sugar levels are between 70-100. When they tested my blood today I was at 60. That should have been the first clue that things were going to be interesting...

So he injects me with the radioactive sugar and removes the needle from my hand (yeah we all know how I feel about that...) Anyway, last time I got light headed for a few minutes which is apparently not uncommon. Well that happened again this time..only it didn't stop at being light headed. My whole body went week and before I knew it I passed out...or I think I did. I could vaguely hear what was going on, but I couldn't move and I couldn't control my breathing which was loud and fast. I could hear it but couldn't do anything about it. The next thing I know a doctor is at my side and moving my shoulder and positioning my arms so they can hook me up to a blood preasure machine.

He asks me if I can hear him and I finally am able to open my eyes and respond. Apparently I was dehydrated and putting that with the low blood sugar and everything else made me pass out from the sugar. I had to chew on a sugar pill and two nurses got called in to hook me up to an IV. They kept monitoring my blood preasure and heart rate (both of which are really low normally but the doctor didn't know that so it concerned him until we told him that it was always under 100). Then I drank the two cups of MRI fluid stuff and when the IV was empty I was finally able to have my scan.

Don't know the results but I'm pretty confident that it will be clean. Doctor's appointment on Thursday to get the port flushed and find out the results I guess.

Oh and then we went to Olive Garden and I was looking over some images for a commission that I had to buy fabric for..and our waiter totally knew about anime o_o Apparently he had been Rock Lee for Halloween. XD

So yeah..exciting day o_o

EDIT: OH yeah, FMA contest at ACP. Vote for me XD!! Or Tess or Siev XD Yeah..why am I always in the contests that everyone I know is in? ^^;;
http://www.acparadise.com/ace/contests.php?cid=29

Today was my PET scan. You would think that after seven months I would be used to the whole needle thing...yeah, no so much.

I had my port all numbed up and ready to go..only to find out they had to stick me in my hand. -_-' I was okay..I was shaking a little when he put it in and drew the blood. But the worst part was taking it out. She took it out and I got light headed and felt sick. They had me lean back and lay down for a few minutes.

The needle was in for all of about 15 minutes. All they had to do was take my blood to make sure my sugar levels were where they needed them, and to inject the radioactive sugar. Then they removed it and I had to sit there for an hour, drinking the ever so yummy Lemonade drink of death.

Then they came in and took me to the PET scanner. I was strapped down on a table and sent through the machine for about 20 minutes. And that was that. I was sent on my way. I won't know the results until probably Friday.

Then we went out and had lunch with Rayvah. We sat around O'Charleys for 3 1/2 hours talking XD Then we went over and had ice cream and Cold Stone for another hour. Fun times ^^

And that was my day. Came home and did some sewing and watched tv.

I know I'm a few days late but since I was away to the frozen north I figure I am allowed to be late.

This year has been interesting..to say the least. When I began this year I was sick, but figured it was merely broncitis because that is what the doctor had told me. 2 conventions, a trip to Japan, and dozens of symptoms later I was diagnosed with the single most shocking news of my life.

Hodgekin's Lymphoma Stage 3B. Cancer.

Lets face it. No one saw it coming. I was sick. I fully admit that...but only six months earlier I had been told I had nothing but broncitis. I paid $160 to find this out and make it go away. That wrong diagnosis could have cost me my life. My own stubborn resolve to wait until I had insurance could have cost me my life. Had I waited even one month longer to go the doctor, I might not have been able to witness the ball drop for 2009.

This is easiest the lowest point of my entire life. No job. $100,000 in medical debt. A disease that could haunt me the rest of my life.

And yet through it all I have lifted my head up and smiled. Not because I'm a strong person. We all know that isn't true. But because I had strong people behind me to hold my head up for me. Friends to send cards, gifts, and well wishes. Doctors and nurses who wanted to see me beat this. A family that has taken days off to drive me to hundreds of appointments. Strangers who would donate to someone they didn't even know.

My memory isn't as good as it was before all this. I forget things I shouldn't, and sometimes the simpliest of tasks don't seem simple at all. But I will always, ALWAYS remember every single person who has helped me through this year.

I have seen more doctors, more nurses, more rooms in the hospitol then all the rest the days of my life combined. I have a huge scar on my chest and under my arm. A foreign object sticks out of my chest that has helped a poison save my life. The person in the mirror isn't the person I used to see and probably will never see again.

This year has been a test. Did I pass? I won't know for 14 more days.

( Year in review LJ Meme )

I am physically better but perhaps a little more emotionally weaker. This year has taken its toll and 2009 doesn't really look to be starting much better...but I am still glad 08 is over.

Whenever I make a resolution I always break it...so I'm almost afraid to put this into writing. But for once in my life, I need to keep my resolutions.

1. Find a job that can support me, even if it isn't one I love. Despite all the support Mazzini's has given me during the year...I must motivate myself to move on.

2. Get in shape and get stronger again. I've become weaker and lazy because of it. My motivation is down. I need to push myself to get back to 100% health and try to stay healthy for years to come.

I am not officially a survivor yet. I will not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel until the doctor utters the words that I am cancer free. Until then I will continue as I have been. Sewing, sitting, wondering what the future holds.

( The past held these cosplays. By con )

Thats it...I'm done. Goodbye 2008 and Good Riddence...

I think I shed more tears when a bill comes then I ever did when I found out I had cancer. It is seriously depressing to stare at the pages upon pages of numbers and realize you'll never be able to pull yourself out of the ocean of debt that keeps splashing over you.

I got a bill today..the big one..the one I was waiting for that would tell me how much all this treatment is really going to cost me.. To break it down it looks like this:

CHemo - $3700 every two weeks
Bloodwork - $400 every two weeks
Neulasta - $130 every two weeks

Multiply that by the 6 months of treatment I'll be recieving (at least): $51,000 just in treatment. That doesn't include the hospitol stay, the two surgeries (will be 3 when I have the port removed), MRIs, Lung Tests, Ultrasound, etc etc.

Now add the $800 a month in student loans and normal bills I have to pay each month. How do these people really expect you to survive without any help. I'm not working..I don't have insurance and at this point may never be eligible for it ever again, and I can't get Medicaid becaues I'm not disabled enough..what have I been doing so wrong all of my life? Who did I fuck over to deserve this?

Its not the disease or the treatment that makes you suffer...its the mental, emotional, and financial burden that trying to become healthy puts on you.

Thank you to everyone for your support with my last entry. I'm not any less angry then I was about the situation but thats going to take quite a bit to get over, especially when I probably haven't heard the last of it.

I basically told my parents today that I am going to conventions whether they want me to go or not. Or rather I told my mom. I don't think my father has a problem with it. His main concern is actually the transportation to and from the convention...and even I have this same concern. Six hours is a long drive and chances are I would be making it alone and since I have to no idea how my body will react day to day..just makes me a little nervous is all. but yeah..if I can get there I will be there. thats AWA, AUSA, Nekocon that I'm thinking of. One a month for the next three months. biggest hurdle will be AUSA since it will fall on a chemo week, which means I'll be getting my oh so awful Neulasta shot that makes me feel not so good.

Anyway..it was an intersting chemo day. ( Chills, Burns and Tingling )

Rained again today but it is supposed to clear up tomorrow. I get my Neulasta shot around noon.

Ha! I didn't cry. I may have crushed my father's fingers, but I didn't cry. I can call that a small victory on my part. I got a shot in the arm and no tears were shed.

Okay..so it took psyching myself up for it the entire night before and morning of..but damnit it is progress.

So yeah, that was my day. A shot in the arm to raise my white blood cell count. It was supposed to make my bones hurt..but it hasn't yet and I'm hoping that it doesn't because having my entire body hurt from my ribs to my legs..really doesn't sound like much fun. So I'm hoping I have once again avoided a nasty side effect.

Tomorrow I am going to try and ride..that is if I don't hurt from head to toe.