The D Word

[tohma2004]

I often wonder if the pains in my body are all just in my head. What if I am making them up so that I have something concrete to complain about. Something I can suddenly grab at and go, "Ow..there is pain." Versus the invisible "I am sad.."

Lately my dissatisfaction with my job situation seems to be rising. When I saw I wasn't on the schedule for Friday I almost literally jumped for joy in the restaurant. Today when I went in I wasn't con the schedule at all for this weekend I felt panicked. Yes..I hate my job. I hate working. I hate getting dressed and driving to a place that just the sight of makes my stomach go into knots and my back kink up in such a painful way that I can barely stand. But the economics of it all still smack me in the face like the people in those V8 commercials.

And this hatred is apparently noticeable in everything I say or do at home. My parents have been on a constant tirade about getting a new job. Telling me to look out further if I can't find anything here. That I should be using that expensive college education.

These less then encouraging words have done nothing but discourage me more. For I have done that. I have looked beyond the small confines of this town. I have looked towards bigger cities. but I know..deap down in my heart..that if I were to even attempt that one hour drive to Winston-Salem for just one week, I would end up dead on the side of the road. A crash from falling asleep at the wheel. I can't do it..not anymore.

And why does this make me cry? Why am I randomly crying my eyes out at this computer? What about this makes me so god damned sad?



But thats not the only thing that has made me rethink things a little. The other day my mother asked when my friends were coming. When I said Monday she freaked out on me, asked why they were coming so early if we weren't leaving until Thursday. I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say...So Pam can have people over for Doll events or hanging out whenever the hell she wants but I get to have two people over once a year and thats wrong? But I couldn't say that...I told her it was graduation and she was getting kicked out of the dorms and lived in Ohio. It was truth..but not what needed to be said. ANd all the time I hear about how I'm living at home..how I should be married...how I never go out and socialize. But I just..I don't care anymore..I hear it and just let it roll away.

I just..don't know what to do anymore. I look for work..there is none. I try to do right at home, it isn't enough. I wallow in pain every day and wonder why it all happened the way it did. And then I cry..about random things at random times and wish I could say what I want to say, but can't because I just don't think about it until its too late.

I wandered around WebMD the other day. First time. I played with the symptom body. It gave me 20 things my symptoms could be. There were two that were similiar to what I had but nothing was a 100% match. Today I took another angle.

Dysthymia, sometimes referred to as chronic depression
Symptoms
Persistent sad or empty feeling
Difficulty sleeping (sleeping too much or too little)
Insomnia (early morning awakening)
Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness
Feelings of guilt
Loss of interest or the ability to enjoy oneself
Loss of energy or fatigue
Difficulty concentrating, thinking or making decisions
Changes in appetite (overeating or loss of appetite)
Observable mental and physical sluggishness
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

I bolded the ones that apply to me...hmmm...

My mom asks me why I look so grumpy whenever anyone is around. I don't know..I don't realize I am. SHe asks why I'm not more socialable around family. I don't know...I just don't feel like it is necessary. Why don't I get up more, why do I need to sleep so much and take naps in the afternoon? I don't know..its just...what I feel like doing.

If I sit down..its like the world has ended. Nothing can motivate me to move. its how my cosplay list got so large...I just..didn't want to put forth the effort to get the supplies together and work on something.

Its hard..waking up to go to work those four hours every Mon-Fri. My back even hurts when I'm there now. It's hard...dreading Thursdays because it means the weekend is here and I have to work in Hell once again. It's hard...trying to smile and look like I enjoy life while I stare into the very faces that make me want to shoot myself in the head. It's hard...to come home and deal with a family that will never understand who I am or what I need...

So am I depressed? Am I doomed to forever be in this state of unmotivation or will getting a new job be like a magic wand of hope has been waved over my head.

its too bad..that getting a job is so much work...

Comments

[greatsg.livejournal.com]

Be wary of trusting WebMD for diagnosing yourself, cause really the internet is not a good authority on stuff like this, and something like this really about messed up a friend of mine who went into a hypochondriac mentality until she actually went to the doctor. If you really feel you are depressed and that you feel it is in your best interest to get a diagnosis for it, go see a doctor. Still part of the problem these days with trying to diagnose things like depression and other mental health issues comes from the overly generalized and broad ways the standards and practices for these kind of determinations are done and they keep changing all the time.

I'm not gonna deny what you are feeling and I'm all for you to do what you feel necessary to help yourself, because it can be done and you won't suffer forever. Hell, I saw a counselor for nearly 12 years and I still think i'm crazy and might need to get diagnosed myself, but I'm scared of falling into the mentality of hopelessness and anxiety; plus I hate being medicated myself. I could potentially hampering myself from generally feeling better overall in my daily life, but that's the choice i've chosen for now.

Still sometimes everyone gets into these long spells like you've described, trust me I know I have plenty of times. But I do agree on one thing, jobs and work, especially in the service industry can really wind you down rough and hard. Good luck and take care of yourself.

[deathgod02.livejournal.com]

There are lots of different kinds of depression. There is the kind that happens because of certain situations and there's the kind that's chemical that you need medication for. I'm not going to say that you need to go out and get drugs but I agree that depression could explain a lot. The reason I can't ever wait tables again is because it made me so miserable. I started to hate everything and everyone. I'm really glad I got out when I did.

Tohma, why dont you get out of NC? Move somewhere where more of your friends are. I bet that would do a lot to help your mental state. It's much easier to be possitive when your surrounded by possitive people and while it sounds like your parents are trying to help they're trying to motivate you in a negative way and when you, or anyone, is feeling bad negativity only makes you feel more like crawling into a hole until everything goes away.

Making any big change is terrifying but you have tons of friends that would be more than happy to help you. That goes for everything from moving to just getting a new job. All you have to do is make the decision to change something about your life that will make you happier, even if it's a big scary change.

On a more selfish note, there are quite a few of us that would *love* it if you moved up to Richmond. We miss you and we don't get to see you often enough. I even know somewhere you could board your pony!

I hope there's something helpful in that long rant. *hugs* I'm in DC all weekend but you have my cell #. Call me and we can talk about fun cosplay stuff and horses!

[aduial-peredhel.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with the looking out of NC for work thing. NC is great if you want a job in the research/biotechnology sector these days but not so great if you are in another field. It might be best to broaden your range of job searching further than Winston-Salem, or even out of the state. I know when I started looking for jobs, I applied to places in California. I was both terrified and excited at the prospect of moving so far away from family. But you have to go where the work is, and you sound like you could do with a change of environment.

[gallion-dlareth.livejournal.com]

My offer, and Jess's, still stands. Just say the word and I'll start to get the ball rolling. The temp agency I went through to get my job will line you up with something, I'm sure. We're close to Richmond so visiting the peeps up there is no problem. ^_^

I'll see you this coming weekend and we will all have cosplay related madness and fun times. And real hugs.

Hang in there, and think about our offer, okay?

[pennytook.livejournal.com]

Seconding Jen's comment: you are more then welcome to crash out in C'ville if you find a job anywhere in this area. We would love to have you, and would be more than happy to enable your cosplay addiction :P

Many wise words have already been said about depression and how to deal with it, so just know that we miss you and are thinking of you ♥

[cardcaptorkiki.livejournal.com]

Awww, I wish I could wave a magical wand and make it all better for you. ;; Not sure if waving Fay-san's staff would work and my CCS wand is out of batteries. I may not be able to say much and I may not be able to do much (which pains me because I don't like seeing you like this), but no matter what, I'll always be there. Whether it's to rant or cry or anything~ I'll do my best for you. But it won't last forever, trust me. Being down myself lately and crying constantly, I can understand, even though it may not be the "same". But I wouldn't say you're "depressed"~ maybe, like others said, you just need a change in environment. Things will get better. I can't promise you when, how, or why, but they will. Not to be cliche or anything, but I believe in you. ♥

Animazement next weekend so maybe that'll help alleviate it, if even for a little bit. *hugs*

[drhikaru.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It's sometimes hard when we find dissatisfaction in our lives and no motivation from what is around us.

I just want you to know that sometimes the first step is the hardest step. It's easy to fall back into a pity party but the truth is *you* have to make the first step.

It doesn't have to be a big step. Sometimes just talking to someone does wonders. I just don't want you to feel like there is no forward motion. *hugs hugs* I know we're not that close but you can always talk to me if you ever want to. I'm sure there are more qualified people on your list, but just know that you are *never* alone.

Lots of us care for you and hate to see you in a state like this. *hugs hugs*

I'm hoping you find a better job, I know what it's like to have no job or be discontent in the one I was in.

[serafaina.livejournal.com]

I can access materials to assess any and the type of clinical depression you may have, and it's more reliable that webmd. I can't give an official diagnoses since I'm not liscenced, so no fear of preexisting condition issues, but I am more qualified than some counselors.

and although it is very difficult for a lot of people to handle, even if your pain stems from a psychological and not physiological problem, any professional worth their title would treat it as the same. because we all know that no matter it's cause, IT HURTS and makes no difference to you. You should not degrade yourself for having an issues, irregardless of it's source! It's not like you can control it.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad!

also, I feel fairly certain that everyone I know who also knows you would gladly make a place for you to stay for a while. If you just wanted a break, or you wanted to re-establish yourself somewhere new. Mostly because everyone I think of thinks you are the shit, awesome, and loves you dearly.