Its been raining pretty hard the last couple days. We've needed it. The pasture was pretty much dead from the severe lack of water it has been getting. The riding ring had cracks the ground was so hard. Hopefully this will help things out a little. I don't think the horses have appreciated all this water falling on their heads for the last two days though.
My parents want me to move out. Yeah, great thing to be told when I have no incoming income and can't get a job because I go to 2 doctor appointments a week on average. They say that I am not prepared to live on my own and so..they want me to do it. Great, easy for you to say..you have a job. I don't really understand what spurred this sudden need for me to move out. Perhaps it is the fact that I am pretty much forced to be home every day because of certain circumstances that I can't control. They are making it out like I asked to be stuck at home. NO ONE ASKS TO HAVE A LIFE THREATENING DISEASE THAT FORCES THEM TO BE HOME 24/7. GAH. Sorry..caps..but everytime they start saying I need to learn to cook, get ready to move out, blah blah blah I just freak out because it is all so overwhelmingly irritating and depressing.
If I could have a job..I would get a job. But seeing as I'm not allowed to be making any money whatsoever and I'm applying for disability because I can't fucking work because I have a fucking disease that sends me to money grubbing doctors every other fucking day...I really don't need the stress of them on my back about moving out. They never pushed this before, why the hell are they choosing now of all times to do it?
And the frustrating part of it all is I was so close to having that job...three days away from securing my place in the working class with a well paying, benefit filled occupation that I could be proud of...only to have it taken away by a doctor telling me the mass in my stomach was cancer. To have everything almost aligned into place only to have karma slap it just out of reach.
I just want them to stop...as if I wasn't in enough physical pain they have to go and add the emotional pain to it.
They want me to move out, yet any time I mention going to a convention I get shot down. Anytime I cough or sneeze my mom says in a very condesending manner, "Why don't you go to another convention now." Yet if I were living on my own, you better damn well believe that I would be going to every convention I could without even bothing to tell them I would be gone. Because that is where I am happy. That is where I find people who don't care what my job is or how I spend my time during the week. Its there that I have friends that don't care about money or whether I can cook or not.
Sorry for all this..its stupid. I go to chemo tomorrow. I get to sit around for three hours in a doctors office while life saving medicine gets pumped into my body. Three hours to ponder what I've done with my life that they are so desperately trying to save and to wonder what the future holds.
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