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The D Word
May. 16th, 2008 12:37 amI often wonder if the pains in my body are all just in my head. What if I am making them up so that I have something concrete to complain about. Something I can suddenly grab at and go, "Ow..there is pain." Versus the invisible "I am sad.."
Lately my dissatisfaction with my job situation seems to be rising. When I saw I wasn't on the schedule for Friday I almost literally jumped for joy in the restaurant. Today when I went in I wasn't con the schedule at all for this weekend I felt panicked. Yes..I hate my job. I hate working. I hate getting dressed and driving to a place that just the sight of makes my stomach go into knots and my back kink up in such a painful way that I can barely stand. But the economics of it all still smack me in the face like the people in those V8 commercials.
And this hatred is apparently noticeable in everything I say or do at home. My parents have been on a constant tirade about getting a new job. Telling me to look out further if I can't find anything here. That I should be using that expensive college education.
These less then encouraging words have done nothing but discourage me more. For I have done that. I have looked beyond the small confines of this town. I have looked towards bigger cities. but I know..deap down in my heart..that if I were to even attempt that one hour drive to Winston-Salem for just one week, I would end up dead on the side of the road. A crash from falling asleep at the wheel. I can't do it..not anymore.
And why does this make me cry? Why am I randomly crying my eyes out at this computer? What about this makes me so god damned sad?
( Cut for continued self analysis of Depression )
Lately my dissatisfaction with my job situation seems to be rising. When I saw I wasn't on the schedule for Friday I almost literally jumped for joy in the restaurant. Today when I went in I wasn't con the schedule at all for this weekend I felt panicked. Yes..I hate my job. I hate working. I hate getting dressed and driving to a place that just the sight of makes my stomach go into knots and my back kink up in such a painful way that I can barely stand. But the economics of it all still smack me in the face like the people in those V8 commercials.
And this hatred is apparently noticeable in everything I say or do at home. My parents have been on a constant tirade about getting a new job. Telling me to look out further if I can't find anything here. That I should be using that expensive college education.
These less then encouraging words have done nothing but discourage me more. For I have done that. I have looked beyond the small confines of this town. I have looked towards bigger cities. but I know..deap down in my heart..that if I were to even attempt that one hour drive to Winston-Salem for just one week, I would end up dead on the side of the road. A crash from falling asleep at the wheel. I can't do it..not anymore.
And why does this make me cry? Why am I randomly crying my eyes out at this computer? What about this makes me so god damned sad?
( Cut for continued self analysis of Depression )
